Annabella (Bella) Mey Saechao

A year later, I had fallen behind academically due to being hospitalized for several months. Rather than focusing on my health, my family prioritized my performance in school, fearing that I was “falling behind” with all of the time lost in the hospital. There were also concerns about my physical appearance and weight. Through all of this and the trauma of being hospitalized, my mental health and overall well-being was never considered important.

Throughout this time, there were occurrences where I had accumulated enough anger to speak up for myself. However, these moments of self-advocacy led my family to perceive me as ungrateful. Well enough, these incidents taught me to suppress my emotions.

I was told that if I worked hard enough in school, then I would be happy and successful. Yet, academics felt like a chore and a cutthroat game that I was forced to excel in. This constant pressure led me to develop an unhealthy relationship with school. I faced external barriers throughout my educational journey; I was severely bullied as a child and throughout middle to high school, and then fetishized by others as I grew into my teenage years. This fetishization is a harmful result of stereotypes made of Asian American women, which consequently led to me facing sexual assault. This deepened my inability to express my feelings and emotions to my family– even though I was going through such a traumatic experience, I felt as if I had to suppress it all. I could not seek help.

My artistry began at the age of four with a simple coloring book, which eventually grew into a deep love for creating in various mediums. This creative outlet allowed me to freely explore and draw my emotions without the discernment of my family. Since then, creating art pieces has become my outlet and refuge. I merely draw self-portraits of current emotional states, reflecting shifts in perspectives based on my lived experiences or momentous life events. Art has allowed me to not only express my outlook on life, but has helped me develop a stronger understanding of my family dynamics. The practice of drawing self-portraits encourages me to practice self-observation of myself in relation to my family, and analyze how my family’s history as war-torn refugees shapes their interaction with me and others.

Due to the Secret War in Laos, my family was stripped of their land, community, and assets, forcing them to flee to the United States. During my family’s transition to the U.S, they were faced with the detriment of language barriers, adding to the culture shock of contrasting cultural values in America. There was an added height of anxiety as my family became financially insecure, relying on insufficient government welfare and lacking the skills necessary for the workforce.

My family’s challenging history shaped the pathway that they set for me - which is to excel in my academics and pursue a practical career. My grandparents, Fou Choy Saechao, and Mey Hin Saephan, made tremendous sacrifices to keep our family together. Coming from an indigenous community of Laos, their experience of having minimal resources, coupled with the scars of poverty, contributes to the pressure of supporting not only my family, but also uplifting my community and striving to build generational wealth.

Despite what I had to endure, I recognize what my family has done for me and could not be more thankful. Although my relationship with them is not where I would like it to be, I recognize that my familial bonds are growing and healing through the process of creating art. My intention is to continue learning about and understanding more of my family’s history, as I journey into this practice of my own self-discovery.

Through art, I aim to amplify the voices of my Mien community– a community that is slowly diminishing as our native tongue and cultural practices fade with each new generation. My art pieces actively work to break down generational barriers and address traumas within my family, and myself. My art is a platform for those who feel outcasted and lost in the world. Through examining the intricate details of my drawings and vivid symbolism, my creations serve as a guiding force for myself and others to reflect on self-understanding and growth. This artistic practice is my sanctuary and is what I call home.